I have friends coming this week from England, so I didn't want to write about the wildlife issues I am having at home, incase it put them off. But they are now far too busy to read blogs, as I have sent them off with shopping lists including things like cheddar, and conditioner that doesn't contain parabens, so I can tell all.

Last week I was going into the living room, also my bedroom, to have lunch when I noticed something that looked like a large stick on the floor. On closer inspection, and when the stick ran under my bed, I realised it was in fact a large lizard, and not a gecko, but a big scary black lizard which was sticking its tongue out and everything.

I screamed, shut the door, and ran downstairs to get my guardian, who I usually try not to have much to do with because of the way he stares at me in an inappropriate fashion, but he was the only person I know who's nearby who could help me. I told him the problem, that there was a lizard under my bed, and he started saying annoying things until he realised I was near-hysterical and better come upstairs quick.

On entering the bedroom, and realising that I was going to do nothing much more than stand at the door with it open a couple of centimetres and call instructions, he asked for a broom and proceeded to search under the bed for the offending creature. When he pulled the bed out from the wall, we found the ugly thing lurking in a corner. I screamed and locked myself in the kitchen. There was a lot of banging, then Cisse asked for a floor cloth, and a little while later he appeared holding the lizard in the cloth, white belly in full view, and proceeded to move towards me with the thing, which I estimate to be 20 cm long, until I got actually hysterical and locked myself on the balcony, which was as far away from it and him as I could get.

I have not slept well since. I live on the third floor; how did it get in? Is there a nest? Was it just the baby and is daddy still under there?

The wildlife issue did not stop there. This morning I was making coffee in the kitchen. I noticed that the little speckled eggs which I had seen last week but decided they were nothing dangerous, are still stuck to the kitchen door. They are now much bigger. They are perfectly round, speckled like quails' eggs, and stuck to the door. Anyway, I noticed that they were moving, and when I got down on the floor I saw that they were in fact hatching, and out were crawling little hairy millipede-type creatures, lots of them. They were small, compared to the lizard, so I didn't scream but I did douse them with insecticide and then squash them with the handy fly-swatter that my sister sent me and which has been the most useful thing I have ever had. At least they died at the hands of a Hawaiian flip-flop, a trendy way to go.

Where are these creatures coming from, and why?